How do you deal with rejection?
No, really, I mean you. I think I deal with it fine, but just lately I’ve heard from several writers who seem to struggle with it. So here are some quick thoughts from me, then it’s over to you.
I’ll start with definitions. What is and isn’t rejection?
What isn’t rejection?
Crits aren’t rejection. The only way they could be considered to be rejections is if they’re personal. And they’re definitely not personal. They’re not aimed at us, the writer. They’re aimed at the specific piece of writing they’re addressing. If they are personal, file them under B for Bin. They’re worse than worthless. Pay them no more attention. But don’t, for goodness sake, take a crit personally when it wasn’t written that way. It’s isn’t about you.
If a critter misses the point of the piece completely, or brings her own issues to a piece that doesn’t deserve or need them, file them under B for Bin. Probably. Possibly. Or, maybe better, study their crit anyhow and look for nuggets of wisdom hidden among the rubble of misunderstanding.
Most crits are neither personal nor complete misunderstandings. Most of them are valuable, and some are worth their weight in gold. The art of giving and receiving crits graciously is an essential skill for writers.
What is rejection?
Rejection is an agent or publisher saying, “This isn’t for us.”
That’s it. And that’s all they’re saying. They’re not saying, “you can’t write” or “this is crap” or anything else like that. Maybe you can’t and maybe it is, but that’s a different issue entirely and they’re almost certainly not saying it. They don’t normally have time to say that kind of thing, anyway, so why torture yourself by inferring some message that was never implied?
What is an agent’s rejection, really?
I’ll tell you what they are to me. They’re stepping stones to my Perfect AgentTM. Simple as that.
My way?
My way of dealing with rejection, then, is to get over it and get on with the job. I think that to do otherwise is to walk a dangerous path to unhappiness and instability.
How about you?
Feel the Love: How Giving and Receiving Critiques Will Improve Your Writing
Rhonda LaShae said,
September 15, 2008 at 11:25 am
Rejection is almost always a sore subject and it does feel like it’s a personal put down of our talent and thus who we are.
I used to not handle rejection well at all, until I realized what rejection means. The person to whom you made the offer of your work, your love, your talent, your ideas, cannot or chooses not to accept them. They said no to your offer, nothing more.
Once I was able to separate myself from the offer, rejection stopped being about me and started being about the offer.
Thanks for a much needed reminder about dangers of the ‘rejection is personal’ path.
Rhonda LaShae
David Bridger said,
September 15, 2008 at 11:43 am
You and I are on the same wavelength, Rhonda.
Merrilee Faber said,
September 15, 2008 at 11:46 am
Nicely said David and Rhonda.
David Bridger said,
September 15, 2008 at 11:48 am
Hi, Merrilee.
Rebecca Laffar-Smith said,
September 15, 2008 at 3:33 pm
I’m of exactly the same mind, David. There is a lot you can learn from rejections, especially ones that have been ‘personalized’ and address why an agent, publisher, editor, client (or whoever) decided to turn down you proposal. Absorb the lesson, “this publisher prefers gritty crime to analytical investigation”, “this publishers list is full for the next three quarters”, “this character came across flat to this publisher” etc. Sometimes the lesson you learn is that “this publisher is not the write one for this book”.
Then, make any changes you’ve decided might be necessary and send it on out again.
Of course, in the moments before pressing send I still can’t help but wonder, “Will they like it? (Will they like me?)” But then, we’re all on our own journey of growth. That’s why the lesson in this entry is so perfect. Thank you for reminding us the importance of putting aside a victim mind-frame and embracing one of greater opportunities on the horizon.
David Bridger said,
September 15, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Thank you, Bec!
Erin said,
September 15, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Well, it depends. There are some editors who are notorious for personal opinions, and even though their rejection is of the work, their phrasing can make it feel like a personal attack.
That said, I’m up to 61 submissions for the year because normally, I don’t let stories sit. They get rejected, I send them back out, looking for the right editor, the right market. Occasionally, I will be too swamped to get them out again immediately, or I might receive feedback that makes me feel another look at the story might be beneficial. Otherwise, it’s back to the quest.
David Bridger said,
September 15, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Hello, Erin.
61 story-subs this year is impressive for anyone. It’s magnificent with the demands you’re juggling this year, and congratulations on the success you’ve had!
Brendan Cody said,
September 15, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Good advice David!
I tend to take agent rejections in my stride now; it’s inevitable after a few of them! I did get a rejection of a full manuscript once and that was harder to take. I took a while to lick my wounds, calm down, and then decided to take some of the agent’s opinions on-board. Then I dug my heels in again (obstinacy being the underrated relation of courage) and drafted an improved version before submitting to agents again.
Rejections with reasons attached are harder to take, because you have more to object too initially, but ultimately they are the most helpful too.
I’m with you on critiques. The writer gets to decide which opinions require attention.
David Bridger said,
September 15, 2008 at 10:57 pm
Thanks, Brendan.
Yes, I think it’s healthy if we can approach the creative side and the business side of writing in different ways.
anniegirl1138 said,
September 16, 2008 at 2:58 am
I am sad for a bit but usually my husband reminds me that this is as much a business as a creative endeavor and asks, do you want to be published or not? And I do, so I suck it up and send the pieces back out to the world again.
Sometimes I will rewrite a bit but just as often I realize it is a case of round hole vs. square peg. The right agent or venue awaits. I just have to find him/her and it.
Kerry said,
September 16, 2008 at 4:41 am
Thanks for the timely reminder. I’m just beginning to collect agent rejections on my novel and they still sting a little.
David Bridger said,
September 16, 2008 at 8:59 am
Absolutely, Annie!
Round hole, square peg. And the right one awaits. Precisely!
David Bridger said,
September 16, 2008 at 9:00 am
I know they can sting, Kerry. Some more than others, as Erin mentioned yesterday. I’m glad you’re getting those queries right back out there, though.
Gary Murning said,
September 16, 2008 at 6:17 pm
My latest rejection (yesterday!) smarted a bit, I must admit. More than usual, because it’s a semiautobiographical novel and so it felt very much like a rejection of the people I have known and the lessons I have learned. But it was just one opinion. I immediately approached someone else and in less than twenty four hours they’d agreed to read it and had the full manuscript sitting in their inbox.
David Bridger said,
September 16, 2008 at 6:48 pm
Congratulations and good luck, Gary!
j3black said,
September 18, 2008 at 5:57 pm
I’ll be honest: I have trouble merging mind and heart about rejection. I want to avoid it and have trouble convincing myself to send things out. But I do it and understand I need to do it, and I understand rejection isn’t personal (even when it is). It seems rational not to like things that make you go “ouch,” so I don’t beat myself up for feeling that way.